(again)

I came home wednesday feeling like there was nothing left of me. Or maybe like I was an aquarium, filled to the brim with water that could flood my eyes or hands at any moment.

I suppose it was some sort of emotional exhaustion. There were all the things I wrote about in the last post, but then it just continues. Saying goodbye to people I won’t see before I go, having my last day in school and saying goodbye to students and teachers, hanging out with friends and having our annual ‘summer is here’ restaurant visit with the family. I came home from that and it was as if each of my limbs felt different things. Maybe the stress was in my right arm and the calm in my left. I was left feeling nothing. As if they cancelled each other out.

Anyway, then I went to bed, and felt better when I woke up. It’s weird how simple complicated things are. And now start the last few days of being home, packing, and occasionally hanging out with someone and saying goodbye. Maybe I’ll go make pancakes for breakfast.

Goodbye (again)

(Sunday 11/6)

I say again without knowing when last time saying it was. I feel like I’ve said a lot of goodbyes, but maybe that’s just generally a very human thing.

Anyway, I travel to america in a bit more than a week. My sister has graduated and all my relatives celebrated her and said goodbye to me. Today I led the meating in church and they prayed for me before I go. Happy happy sad sad.

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Graduatioooon

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Spending some time with the cousins so that they don’t forget me when I’m gone. 

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The whole family, out in the garden a random summer evening at nine pm. 

A lot of ‘lasts’, makes everything shine a little brighter.

Night.

From the mountains (unedited)

(A song I sang on a mountain once) I wrote this while hiking and it’s a river of thoughts. I have some idea how to fix it; there are too many concepts, I need to focus it and edit it and maybe I can make it into something actually good. But for now, here’s the river:

But the mountains did not make me quiet.
We are not     Steadfast     Silent
Do not     Remain
(I was     more     Alive)

We are not mountains
But are we the eruption of a volcanoe?
fire burning, throwing stones, lava sizzling
But no, we as well need to charge
We are not oceans (because we like to go places)
But are we waves?
Crashing and pulsing and beating
No, hearts see hearts and lose rythm
Are we forests
(a million pieces growing and dying)
to get lost in?
But no.
I am not inhabited.
There are no animals here.
No spirits but us.
Everything that I have done has been done by me.

Then
As I stepped on stone
My mind spoke;
Human     –     Nature
We flow differently through the rivers of time.

We are
Like the flowers
– they gave to me every sunday in a church in Florida –
cut at the base, dying                    Slower
Our tears (and laughter) are the rivers
making patterns in the landscape                     Faster

And we are     always     the ocean
Breathe
Waves rolling in     Crashing over our lungs
The air reclaiming it – ocean – as his                                faster slower faster slower slower

As I walk and as I talk and as I run through the crevices of your soul
There are rivers     in me
And fire       in me
And mountains     in me

Hiking

You know what I thought was a good idea? To just leave everything behind and go hiking in the mountains for five days.

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It’s now 15 days until I’m leaving for Florida. There’s a certain role I’m stepping into, and I like who I am with the people there, but it’s gonna be intense. And here, everything is happening. Summer is beginning and everything else is ending and needs to be celebrated, there’s so much I need to be here too.

So I just wanted to spend some time being no one. Not seeing anyone. I didn’t want to paint, or write, or even pray about anything very specific. Just be.

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It was more difficult than I thought. It’s that thing I forget and relearn every time I go somewhere new, that you’re still gonna be yourself there. The mountains are unchanging and quiet, but I am not. I was walking and walking and walking, and my mind was spinning.

It was a good different though, more of a challenge. It’s stupid to go hiking in May, because all of the snow hasn’t melted yet, and there’s too much water everywhere. I’d literally follow the path and there would be a lake in the middle of the way all of a sudden. At least I got my solitude.

You don’t necessarily worry less in these situations. At least I didn’t. Just about other things, about having brought enough food, being able to chop the wood, get the fire started and find water. At one point I burned my entire face in the sun, and rubbed ashes all over it the next day to protect it (I don’t really know if it worked, but it made me feel cool even if it probably looked really stupid).

Anyway. I walked a lot, read a lot on my e-reader, and wrote a thing or two even if I wasn’t supposed to. The whole thing made me feel accomplished, I think. Happy. I wasn’t there to find something or learn something, but it feels like I still did, though I don’t quite know what.

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But next time I’ll bring company and watercolours.

“The Sad”

In the book The bell jar, by Sylvia Plath, she describes her depression as a glass bell jar, lowering itself upon her and making the air around her stale. I don’t know if I’ve ever been depressed, and I don’t think that I would describe it as a bell jar, but I do have a sadness that descends upon me every now and then. It doesn’t seem to ever leave me completely alone. Even during some of the best times of my life, it has creeped up on me. I’ts been okay though, because it’s been during moments when I’ve been able to handle it.

“The sad” is not the opposite of happiness, it’s just a the-world-is-turning-slower, I-notice-everything feeling of melancholy. It’s not necessary a bad thing, and I think I might even be okay with it following me for the rest of my life, because I think it’s linked to a lot of other parts of myself that I like and appreciate.

I’m just not handling it all too well right now. Which is why I’ve been trying to write something on this blog for days without being able to bring myself to do it. I’m not dealing with it in the right way. I know that, but I don’t really now how to change it, because of the sad. Or maybe that’s just an excuse.

Anyway. I hope you’re having a good day, and that you take time for all of those things that are more important than time. Bye.

Hufflepuff humility (My Visa interview)

I don’t know if I’ve written on this blog about the fact that I’m moving to America again..

Well, I am. Or I’m trying to.

The other day I went to the American embassy in Stockholm, to have my visa interview. The guy interviewing me was not happy. I’m not gonna tell you all the details, but basically he asked why I had been there for 6 months before, but now I wanted to go back to America again. He kept talking over me about how visas are not just granted to anyone, and I didn’t really know what to say, but just kept excusing for all the things I had apparently done. Which I think might be good, because I hope this is one of those things where they’re just supposed to show you who’s boss, and then it’s better to not get sassy back.

Anyway, they said they’d let me know by the end of the week whether I got the visa or not. I said ‘okay, how?’ He just looked up from his papers and stared at me. ‘We’ll let you know.’ Then he looked down again. Okay dude, chill.

On another note, I also bought a set of Harry Potter socks when I was in Stockholm, and I’ve been wearing the hufflepuff ones. I think clothing is great when it comes to reminding yourself about who you are or need to be. Some days you need red lipstick to feel powerful, or Gryffindor socks to feel brave. (I’m sorry for anyone not getting these references). But I’ve been needing hufflepuff socks, for humility and forgiveness. (I swear it helps.) Humility in forgiving instead of judging my interviewer, and humility in accepting whichever direction God leads me in. Because I want to go to America because I think God is calling me there, right? So imagine I don’t get the visa, why is my biggest fear what I should tell everyone? Shouldn’t I be excited about what other things God is gonna lead me into instead of focusing on my pride?

So, hufflepuff socks and faith. Waiting builds character and all that, but I’m not gonna lie and say that I like it.

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(Fun fact: Apparently there’s a temple in India where you can go and pray specifically for visa issues; *link* hmm..)

A tale of two cities

There’s a lot of funny stories about people reading books that give them such emotional outbursts that they just throw them across the room. Frankly I think that’s a bit disrespectful to the books. But this one I threw, not across the room to break it, but down into the bed as hard as I could. This is how I dream to write. Books that effect people. It was not a bad book, it was a freakin amazing book. It is satisfying to read, in the way books are when they contain many paths leading in different directions, but form a single road towards the end. I’ve wanted to read it for so long, it being a huge classic and all that. I mean I’ve even read books in which they read this book. And yeah, I give it all the golden stars.

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Goooodnight.

Ten Days

I’ve been absent from this blog because my German friends were visiting for 10 days, and I wanted to be entertaining. Here are some photos of my attempts at introducing them to the swedish culture.

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We went to cozy cafés and my friend took photos of all the cakes and tried to figure out the ingredients. 

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My girls helped picking flowers for my dads 50th birthday, and all my relatives thought they were lovely. 

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I tried to do most of my studying while they were busy or (almost) sleeping.  

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And on the last day we went out with the boat. Here is when we parked/crashed into a tree, to have some hot chocolate. 

It’s a bit empty now, but I’m still happy happy and grateful, because it’s been so good. And now spring is coming and time is moving softly, slowly, but securely.

Joy to you (don’t be alone) ★