In the book The bell jar, by Sylvia Plath, she describes her depression as a glass bell jar, lowering itself upon her and making the air around her stale. I don’t know if I’ve ever been depressed, and I don’t think that I would describe it as a bell jar, but I do have a sadness that descends upon me every now and then. It doesn’t seem to ever leave me completely alone. Even during some of the best times of my life, it has creeped up on me. I’ts been okay though, because it’s been during moments when I’ve been able to handle it.
“The sad” is not the opposite of happiness, it’s just a the-world-is-turning-slower, I-notice-everything feeling of melancholy. It’s not necessary a bad thing, and I think I might even be okay with it following me for the rest of my life, because I think it’s linked to a lot of other parts of myself that I like and appreciate.
I’m just not handling it all too well right now. Which is why I’ve been trying to write something on this blog for days without being able to bring myself to do it. I’m not dealing with it in the right way. I know that, but I don’t really now how to change it, because of the sad. Or maybe that’s just an excuse.
Anyway. I hope you’re having a good day, and that you take time for all of those things that are more important than time. Bye.
I got my visa. Just wanted to tell you guys.
I don’t know if I’ve written on this blog about the fact that I’m moving to America again..
Well, I am. Or I’m trying to.
The other day I went to the American embassy in Stockholm, to have my visa interview. The guy interviewing me was not happy. I’m not gonna tell you all the details, but basically he asked why I had been there for 6 months before, but now I wanted to go back to America again. He kept talking over me about how visas are not just granted to anyone, and I didn’t really know what to say, but just kept excusing for all the things I had apparently done. Which I think might be good, because I hope this is one of those things where they’re just supposed to show you who’s boss, and then it’s better to not get sassy back.
Anyway, they said they’d let me know by the end of the week whether I got the visa or not. I said ‘okay, how?’ He just looked up from his papers and stared at me. ‘We’ll let you know.’ Then he looked down again. Okay dude, chill.
On another note, I also bought a set of Harry Potter socks when I was in Stockholm, and I’ve been wearing the hufflepuff ones. I think clothing is great when it comes to reminding yourself about who you are or need to be. Some days you need red lipstick to feel powerful, or Gryffindor socks to feel brave. (I’m sorry for anyone not getting these references). But I’ve been needing hufflepuff socks, for humility and forgiveness. (I swear it helps.) Humility in forgiving instead of judging my interviewer, and humility in accepting whichever direction God leads me in. Because I want to go to America because I think God is calling me there, right? So imagine I don’t get the visa, why is my biggest fear what I should tell everyone? Shouldn’t I be excited about what other things God is gonna lead me into instead of focusing on my pride?
So, hufflepuff socks and faith. Waiting builds character and all that, but I’m not gonna lie and say that I like it.
(Fun fact: Apparently there’s a temple in India where you can go and pray specifically for visa issues; *link* hmm..)
There’s a lot of funny stories about people reading books that give them such emotional outbursts that they just throw them across the room. Frankly I think that’s a bit disrespectful to the books. But this one I threw, not across the room to break it, but down into the bed as hard as I could. This is how I dream to write. Books that effect people. It was not a bad book, it was a freakin amazing book. It is satisfying to read, in the way books are when they contain many paths leading in different directions, but form a single road towards the end. I’ve wanted to read it for so long, it being a huge classic and all that. I mean I’ve even read books in which they read this book. And yeah, I give it all the golden stars.
I’ve been absent from this blog because my German friends were visiting for 10 days, and I wanted to be entertaining. Here are some photos of my attempts at introducing them to the swedish culture.
It’s a bit empty now, but I’m still happy happy and grateful, because it’s been so good. And now spring is coming and time is moving softly, slowly, but securely.
Joy to you (don’t be alone) ★
What’s the point of anything? I don’t know. But it exists. And we exist. The things around us are what we know, the sound of the bus, the trees outside the window, that’s reality right now. And I can change that. I sing a song under my breath, and suddenly that’s the sound of the world right now. I can make a sculpture, so that’s what people see. We can change what’s around us, change what this is, and so change who we are. There’s so much space, and art is being intentional when filling it up.
That’s the only meaning we know.
I walked through the forest today, just after the sun had set, but while the sky was still clear enough that it could have been a cloudy midday. The birds were singing like crazy, as if trying to call the day back. The forest floor was covered in green leaves and white buds that made my heart hurt. Soon those flowers will bloom and it will look like it has been snowing again, until they die and leave space for summer. I looked and walked and thought that this was the saddest sadness I’d ever seen. The birds see death and think of birth, and I see birth and think of death.