Brighter life and longer days studying on a roof

The weather is changing and my world with it, there’s something about the light that makes me productive. And today my only homework is to spend one hour reading Jane Eyre, worse things have happened and I think I might climb up my roof and read there until the sun starts to set. 

Had a freakin’ math test today that went okay, one lesson more and then the school day was over so we went to the gym for a while. Everyone at our school got a free entrance to a gym nearby for two weeks so that’s awesome. And then we went out and ate, my friend’s birthday is tomorrow so we had ordered a cake with a photo of her that she absolutely hate on, day couldn’t have gone better. And now I’ll have some time to do things I actually enjoy. I’m gonna start with running around barefoot, man I missed that. 

So anyway, here are some pictures from yesterday, sitting on my roof and studying for that freakin’ math test. 

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No media before breakfast

I’m trying this out. I’ve always hated mornings with a burning passion and it bothers me that they’re so necessary, that the start of the day shapes the rest of it. Not completely, but I wish it had zero impact. To me, the point of the No media before breakfast rule is to start out stable. We hear so much, listen to so much and choose to look at so much without caring as much about not letting it be the ruler of us. Not caring about how much impact it has on us. I want to start the day off knowing who I am, knowing who God is and just enjoy reality for a while. Then I allow myself to escape it, but I always try to love reality the most. Because when I don’t, it wrecks me. When I don’t, I just spiral down further into the unrealistic dream of actually managing to escape reality. But we can’t. And reality is where I find the actual happiness anyway, the type that is free from pain. 

Skiing

I’ve grown up believing that cross country skiing is the worlds most popular sport. That and perhaps football. As time went on I realized it’s kind of not, but to me it still is. Having a family and tons of friends that love it too might have something to do with that. My first time skiing was when I was two or three years old and maybe somehow I was hooked, all I know is that it is one of the things I’ve stuck with, and to me it’s one of the definitions of winter. Both the actual skiing and the weekend mornings when you eat breakfast in front of the TV, watching the champions and then my dad in the end, his screaming and cheering might be even more entertaining than the actual sport at times and me and my sister always laughed at him. Well, we still do. 

So anyway, we saw the finale of the world cup live, it being in Sweden, Falun, where my aunt lives, and it was such a good day I thought I should share some pictures. I didn’t take too many though, I kind of have this problem with not actually experiencing things when I see them through a camera lens, so sometimes I let things go undocumented. Still, with my camera around my neck I can never resist it completely. 

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Procrastination and self doubt

I never quite realized the connection between those two, procrastination and self doubt. I guess it’s obvious though, self-doubt; as in believing (or not) that you can do it, and procrastination; as in doing it (or not). I suppose I’ve just always seen myself as so confident. In a way not, because I was always the shy little kid, but still, because I was the one who didn’t want to hang out with them, because whenever people didn’t like me, my unconscious though process went: Wow, what’s wrong with them? Always them, never me, and I’ve always thought that was the main difference between confident and non confident people. Either you think Wow what’s wrong with them, when they don’t like you, or you think Wow, what did I suddenly do right? when they do. 

Childhood stories and my unsuccessful try at psychology aside, I’ve kind of realized that I’ve always thought of myself as the complete opposite to self doubting (okay, not really psychology aside). So to the point that even when I do doubt myself, I don’t realize it. I don’t realize that the reason behind sudden dips in my mood might be a sudden disbelief in myself. And now, looking back, I wonder how many times that’s happened without me even noticing it. 

Now, though, it has showed up in my homework. My ability (well, disability) to get it done. The school I’m in now is so much tougher, the people I hang out spends about 37,8 % of their time worrying about their grades, and I think that’s getting to me. Me always agreeing that yeah, the tasks are impossible, when I used to honestly believe that I could be fine with studying to a test for about one hour. But you can’t just say that to people that it wouldn’t work for. And let’s not blame this only on that development, because I don’t know (and don’t want to know) where my grades would have ended up without those extra few hours of studying, but now I’m one of the people never doing things, until the point where I stop believing I can. Or maybe that’s the reason why I’m not doing it, I don’t even know. 

I’ve postponed my essays because I don’t think I could write them if I tried, not because I think I don’t need to spend that much time on them. But I’ve noticed that the big, tremendous difference lies in how I look at the blinking cursor. And looking at it while thinking about how good I am at this, trying to scare my self doubt away to the dark corners of my brain, and then starving it back to death, is how I’ve written this post. So now I’m gonna go try it on some homework. 

Never settle for less than the best

Several of my closest friends have done things similar to this, and I hate it. It annoys me to no end. They settle down with people they think they kinda like. Settle down might be a slight exaggeration, but they think that’s enough. It’s like an article I read recently, that told you to marry the equivalent of your best friend, not of the colleague you can have a beer with after work. They settle with people that aren’t the best. And this is nothing negative to their beloved ones, because this has got nothing to do with those, but is instead about the way they work together. They shouldn’t settle for someone they don’t feel enough for.

Psychologists scare me

Perhaps because as every other person, I like to believe that I make my own choices. I don’t want someone looking at me and immediately know how the puzzle falls together, how my family relations and childhood shaped me until who I am today. Like anyone, I want to believe that the choices I made were my own and not the result of a predictable pattern.