I’m painting a wall at the moment. There’s this place where I have my art classes and we asked if we could transform one of the boring walls in the corridor into a jungle. We could. I’m here a lot during the breaks, and my teacher brought us a kettle so that we could boil our tea. So that’s how I spend my days, leaving early in the morning with the bus to go painting for the entire day except for when I’m drinking my tea or eating, and sometimes taking a break just sketching or drawing something of my own. Then I arrive home before the sun sets, so I don’t miss it. I wouldn’t want to miss the beginning of spring, it’s the classic swedish april. We even have a name, april-weather, which describes the weather of the month and can be applied to any other time when it’s like that. It can snow one day and then you can walk barefoot the next. Then it’s raining for a week and then it almost feels like summer. April-weather means confused weather, pretty much. And I do not want to miss the moments of sunshine I have, so I leave this place fairly early, face without makeup and splotches of colour on my hands.
I’m made of flaws, insecurities stitched together. I’m the most confident person in the world, yet people terrify me. I don’t trust them, I trust me, but I do not trust them to not judge me whenever I’m trying to make a joke or laugh too loud. It’s so beautiful being around people you love, and whom you know love you back. Still, I egoistically rejoice in the feeling of having people love you more than you love them. Simply because it’s an ego-boost. The problem of the world lies in us trying to fall in love with ourselves instead of simply being ourselves and falling in love with other people.
I just want to create stuff and get enough sleep. I want the contrasts, the darkness of the world and the brightest soul humanly possible. I want the world and I want to get out of it, be more than it to be able to look down at what it really is. I want late swedish summer evenings, when the sun doesn’t set and I can sit next to my big window painting in the light from it. I want to travel the world and I do not want to own my own heart. I want to be no one and I want to be the person everyone dreams to become. Freedoms lies in the traces of my decisions, rests in the way my heart could never be locked in a city to long, and belongs in the wilderness of nature and the love that makes me run.
I want to sparkle. Not in a twilighty, Edward Cullen kind of way but I feel a bit boring, a bit tired and empty, the corners of my mouth turned down in something else than artistic sadness. I’ve lost my inspiration and I’m thinking about what to do to get it back.
- Dance. Which I just did, and it kinda helped.
- Go for a walk. Man, it’s raining outside and it’s the perfect weather for running around on the empty streets like you just don’t care.
- Create anyways. Well I’m writing now, am I not.
- Love people. My flaw. Or well, the flaw lies in me not wanting to be around people at all times. And not now. But I do need them, I always need them to make me happy.
- Log out of the freakin’ computer. So I will.
Why is it so much easier working out in a gym than it is to put on those workout clothes at home? To me it’s partly because the gym makes me feel awfully cool. But there’s something else to.
When I go cross-country skiing for more than perhaps 20 kilometers, I always have this problem with breathing. And so I break down. And my tactic to get back up again is to focus on what is going on at the exact moment. Look ahead of me, but keep all of my attention at what my body is doing and not on the road that’s still to go.
I think that’s the reason I like the treadmill. I am always right there, I can never put my eyes on the road 20 meters away and think about how much it’s going to take to get me there. I do love running outside but it’s harder for me.
The same lesson applies to life. Focus on the now and you’ll get a future, focus on the future and you’ll live your entire life in something that’s not happening. Start everyday with thinking through what you have to do, then sort out the things you can actually do today from all the things that perhaps needs to be done tomorrow or the day after that. Then push the things you’re not gonna do today out of your mind. Do not worry about them until their time comes. Stop resting the world on your shoulders and stop procrastinating.
Take a deep breath and do what you need to do today.